LINDSAY GIBSON, PSY.D.
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A Deeper Look:
Insights for Optimal Living

The Importance of Emotional Safety

5/1/2019

10 Comments

 
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     Most people know about the fight, flight or freeze reactions to fear. But few people realize there is also a social engagement branch of our nervous system – the ventral vagus nerve – that soothes and restores us to a feeling of safety after we’ve had a scare. This positive part of our nervous system prompts us to turn to others for comfort, guiding us toward physical proximity, touch, a soothing voice, and warm facial expressions. These welcoming behaviors from other people don’t just tell us we’re physically safe; they also tell us we are emotionally safe around them. 

     Emotional safety is not just a feel-good emotion, like whipped cream on a sundae. It arises from the activation of this social-engagement nerve, which allows you to engage with others or enjoy the present moment. Emotional safety makes you relaxed, open, and willing to express yourself, promoting wellbeing instead of tension or vigilance. In this state, worry diminishes and you feel present, grounded, and engaged.   

     You feel most emotionally safe around friendly people or while immersed in an absorbing activity. You may also feel emotionally safe when walking in nature, playing with your dog, or a few days into your vacation. When your social engagement nerve is turned on, it produces a sensation of emotional safety that brings relaxation and inner contentment.

     It’s hard to maintain emotional safety if you are around people whom you find threatening in any way. Some people give us a feeling of unsafety even if they’re not overtly intimidating because we react to their judgment, criticism, or sarcasm as stressors, sensing the possibility of conflict. 

     Consider how you feel if you are in a situation where friendliness is rare and the people around you are standoffish, critical, easily irritated, or have an unwelcoming facial expression. Your nervous system reads such behavior as an unsafe situation and keeps your fight-flight-or-freeze alarm systems ready to go. This can result in stress-induced symptoms that compromise your health.
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     Lack of emotional safety in childhood also can have effects on our adult relationships. For children, a blank face is not an emotionally neutral experience; it is a potential danger signal. A child’s nervous system reads an emotionally unengaged parent as possibly rejecting, a terrifying prospect for a child. Instead of being able to reach out and comfortably engage with others in a state of trust and calm, such children might learn to keep their guard up and keep the motor running for a quick escape. Anything less than explicit acceptance from others can feel threatening to our sense of emotional safety.

     This is why friendly reassurances and engaged attention are so important in our most intimate relationships. It’s not insecure to want frequent feedback about mattering to our loved ones; it’s a biological urge to move ourselves into a good neurological state of connection. We have all noticed that people who are most happy together are reliably responsive to each other’s feelings and requests. Social engagement signals don’t have to be flamboyant. The slight crinkling of warm eyes, a passing touch, or a barely discernable nod is all it takes to make us feel seen and safe.

     Likewise, we may not realize how much we are contributing to other people’s neurological wellbeing when we treat them nicely and give them real smiles. Every time you warmly interact with someone, however briefly, you are literally shifting his or her nervous system into a safe state.

     We can strengthen the social engagement branch of our vagal nerve by spending time with safe, emotionally responsive people. Warm interactions, however brief, help tone this nerve and contribute to feelings of well-being. Such reassuring contact helps us think better, feel more optimistic, initiate more emotional connections, and enjoy our social activities.

     How do you tell who is a safe person for you? You know by how you feel after you’ve been with them. Do you feel happier, lighter, and more hopeful? Or drained, unsatisfied, and stressed? And how do you feel before you see them? Are you looking forward to it and feeling happy, or dreading it and wishing you could spend your time elsewhere? Your sensations reflect how emotionally safe you feel with that person. Your ventral vagal nerve can tell who lowers your energy or affects your mood.
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     If you make a point to fill your life with people who readily engage with you, you not only will feel emotionally safe, you will be lowering your stress too. Time spent in soothing connection is time not spent in fear or stress. Once you’ve realized how stressful it is not to be emotionally responded to, you will be motivated to find more nourishing relationships. Then you can trust your feeling of emotional safety to point you in the right direction.
 

10 Comments
Jodi
7/12/2019 01:57:03 pm

Wow! So many of these comments hit home for me and me emotional journey in my relationships. I’ll be investing in more of your guidance

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Patricia Edwards
3/22/2020 12:14:56 pm

The writing is brilliant, and clarified my need to self-care to be in a safe place emotionally. Thank you, Dr. Gibson for your important work and research.

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Natalie
5/28/2020 12:07:32 pm

To discover these writings and teachings has been the most incredible gift. I’ve went through life searching...for my space in the world. A feeling of how I imagine an adoptee must feel when searching for information on who they are.
Every line was a lightbulb. I have a story...I have an identity. I AM! I AM!
And I have a strong place in the world...today is the first day of the rest of my life. And now I breathe... 🙏🏻

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Ingrid Faro
12/4/2020 04:21:58 pm

This article is like a dose of emotional medicine for me, with great reminders of what is emotionally nourishing and safe.

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Harsh
1/5/2021 04:50:48 pm

Wonderfully written and very close to me personally these words and this article has filled me with a new strength. Thank You for this.

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Imogene
3/21/2021 06:37:23 pm

Profuse thanks for your work Dr Gibson. I’m in the middle of “Recovering from EI Parents” and it is very impactful and illuminating! Have you already considered writing a book on EI spouses? My spouse and I have pretty much all your EI parent types covered between our 4 parents combined. We both come from large families where a degree of neglect was inevitable. I’ve found myself trapped in this marriage and your work is really helping me unlock a potential key to freedom for me but already so much clarity. I’ve found that distancing myself from toxic parental behavior is doable but the guilt of divorcing and “blowing up my kids lives”etc has been debilitating me in moving forward in my personal life. This trifecta of parental and spousal EI creates a grip of stagnation that has felt unexplainable til now. I recently reread some of Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence and I was reminded how much men are domesticated out of maturing and feeling their emotions. It was eery how identical his explanation of the typical marriage conflicts with gender role communication keepers that women are and men being taught to be emotionally aloof and stoic were.
Anyway thank you again!

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Vanessa
5/22/2021 11:46:28 am

Dear Dr. Gibson, thank you for your comforting wisdom and knowledge. As I read your articles and books, I’m so grateful for the guidance and I’m teaching my children to recognize how someone makes you “feel”, it’s such an important lesson. I’m looking forward to diving into your next book.

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Kareem Elshazly
6/5/2021 03:28:11 pm

I have read your book, I was touched, sometimes cried and most of time felt angry while reading, but I feel I cannot help my self anymore, cannot change, I am always ashame of my self and feel that I am less than others, no matter what I read, I feel so emotional when I face a difficult situation, and when I when get into a relationship, I really cannot help my self, hope we could contact.
Thanks

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Dr LINDSAY GIBSON
6/18/2021 03:04:49 pm

Hello Kareem, thank you for writing. Your feelings are very common for adult children of emotionally immature parents! The encounters with these parents often makes people feel angry, yet hopeless, not to mention the shame that comes from not feeling worthy of being understood. It is classic for EI people to make others feel ashamed and less than, but that is only because EIPs insist on being the most important person in any interaction. When others do not recognize or help us with our emotions, our feelings seem overwhelming. But we can learn to deal with all of this if we get into the right kind of therapy. Help is there if you keep looking for it! I am not able to take any clients due to my writing commitments, but I would recommend finding a therapist who does Emotionally Focused Individual Psychotherapy (EFT) @ iceeft.com (see website for therapists near you.) Or AEDPinstitute.com, or IFS.com. These are all effective, humanistic, empathic therapies that can help you find your true self and come to grips with those emotions. The hopelessness you feel just tells you how much you want to feel better. Good luck and very best wishes for finding a therapist you like.

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James
6/29/2021 03:13:42 pm

Hey Dr. Gibson,

I read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents a couple of times over the past few months. I think it's rare that a book can resonate so, so strongly. As I read it, I simply couldn't believe how much it fit my situation, and it certainly has helped me accept and understand my situation.

As an internaliser also with compulsive skin picking disorder (this is potentially relevant), I certainly believe I fit the description of high sensitivity and perceptiveness - I notice everything. My emotions are strong, though they can be subtle. I’m certainly one who greatly desires a genuine connection - thankfully my closest friends are outstanding.

Although I have a social awkwardness towards physical contact with my friends that they do not share, which troubles me. I solve problems in my head, quietly aiming to never ask for help. Basically every aspect of an internaliser fits me. I also remember the book discussing intellectual obsessiveness, something which I also possess which you describe as a marker of emotional immaturity.

I mention these pieces since they seem to share some similarities with autism, or at least from my flawed, generalised understanding of autism, in some of its forms. Combined with my journey wrestling with accepting my sexuality, I’ve had some difficulties, though I’ve managed better than my brother given our upbringing. Basically, I feel I really fit a lot of these characteristics.

Including some of the other things I’ve been through, I’ve heard some subtly comment that it comes across in an autistic way. Though there’s nothing wrong with autism and though I’m probably not qualified to self-diagnose, I understand what they’re saying but having read this book and knowing myself, I truly don’t believe I am on the autistic spectrum. But the tone it’s manifesting in my life is one that feels quite accusatory, so it makes me feel shameful and uncomfortable to have that label placed on me when I truly believe I’m being myself.

I feel I understand why I am better than ever, what I’m a product of and how to start changing this - I’m really looking forward to your next book because of this. I think I have made strong progress - I’ve come out to my closest friends concerning my sexuality and I’m slowly but surely beating my skin picking. But these issues still feel quite delicate - my situation compels me to feel stressed and threatened when I’m accused of being something I sincerely don’t believe I am, and I feel I have firm grounding to believe otherwise.

What are your thoughts on this? How do I deal with this socially? Does being traditionally unconventional in certain respects that I believe are me being myself and enjoying myself subject me to some social stigma that’s misplaced?

Hope to hear back soon, many thanks.

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    Lindsay Gibson, Psy.D.

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