Dear Dr. Gibson: I am currently dating someone who recently discovered your book (ACOEIP) and is working through how these developmental impacts are affecting his life. I am also reading your book and am learning what he’s going through. He exhibits many qualities that are outlined in the text and they have been having some negative impacts on our relationship. I love him dearly and our relationship is so very important to me. I want to support him as he works through these issues and be a good partner to him as he grows. But emotional intimacy is difficult for us and he resists the idea that I can be a supportive partner going forward. Do you have any advice on how to support and love an adult child of emotionally immature parents while still ensuring your own needs are met? I am committed to supporting him, but he has so much doubt that I worry he will push me away. Thank you in advance. -- Wants to Help
Dear Wants to Help: Your heart’s in the right place, isn’t it? You’re motivated by love and altruism in your hope for helping him. The fact that he is reading and processing things from his past is a major step toward a more satisfying relationship because emotional intimacy is impossible until we gain more familiarity with our own feelings. His growth process is apparently underway, as is yours. Growth and awareness can’t be rushed. If it feels like he is pushing you away, he may be telling you he's reached his intimacy limit for the moment. Trust his process by honoring him right where he is. As Tara Westover, author of Educated, has said, “Love doesn’t mean you can change someone.”
Try staying in your own personal-growth lane and let him have his. Be careful about seeing yourself in the role of supportive partner. That sometimes means that you could be getting too focused on his problems instead of listening to your own feelings and building a richer life for yourself. It’s tempting to turn into a salesperson for a deeper relationship because it seems like such a good thing, but a successful sale only occurs when the other person wants it as much as you want to sell it.
When trying to support someone, language is important so keep in mind that the male mind can interpret offers of “support” as code-speak for seeing him as “weak.” You can use more positive language such as “I’m on your side,” “It makes sense to me that you would feel that way,” and “I get it. I think you’re right.” Also, don’t forget that when a person is done talking – especially a male – they have gotten all they can absorb at the moment. Keep it short, give him room, and let him work at his own pace. Good technique for any relationship!